Grief is a heck of a thing.  Now isn’t it?  We’ve all know it, in some degree along the way.

As Webster would put it, grief is deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.

Deep sorrow.  Yep, that’s a pretty good summation.  But I would call it the deepest, darkest pit in your stomach, when the wave of anguish rushes your brain, and fills your entire being with the abyss of hollow.

Today, I went to my cousins Memorial Service.  Judy.  She and my oldest sister are the same age.  Judy’s kids are about my age, and younger.

And those kids, her kids… were filled with grief.  I was very sad about Judy’s passing.  No doubt.  But her children.  Oh, the ache they were feeling.  I felt such empathy, and sympathy for them.

Going to these things are bittersweet, though.  I got to see a lot of my family, cousins, aunt, kids, and such, that I haven’t seen in a long time.  It felt good to see them.  My cousins John, and Stevie, to just name a couple.  They will always be family.  Always.

And seeing them, brought back a lot of childhood memories.  Good memories.  From the long, long ago, and far away.

It was a swirling and tangled spectrum of emotions in just a couple of hours.  I felt tired afterward.  I can only imagine how her kids were feeling in all of that.

At one point, I glanced up to the screen where the “movie of memories” was playing.  And there was my Dad…. as a young man… smiling.  Standing with his sister and holding Baby Judy.  And it felt like time was bending backward and forward, and doing little pirouettes and twists in between.  And then that pang of grief hit me.

I can only say, that loss is an inevitable part of life.  Unfortunately. But…. grief is a natural part of the healing process.  As such, those feelings of loss are very personal, and only we know what is significant to each one of us.

As life shows us time and again, this is now.  And now is really all we have.  How we live in each moment is our journey to behold.  Both the good and the bad.

I am terrible with face recognition.  Which is totally not the point of my story tonight.  But… it is mildly connected, so I’ll go on.

I can only think of one reason why I can’t remember faces.   I have a pretty dang snappy memory, after all.  I would say, my “recall ability” is better than the average bear.  Not to brag on my bear abilities… but I do have the old steel trap on my head.

Anyway, my face recognition is terrible.  Especially out of context.  I will see someone at the grocery, they will call me by name, smile, wave… and I….  well….. I raise my hand in a joyful salutation. But truth be told, most of the time, I have absolutely no clue who stands before me.

Here is my excuse, and I am sticking with it:

I have never cared much about people’s physical appearances.  In fact, not much at all. I just don’t notice.

We will be out with friends, and everyone will all of a sudden say… “Oh my goodness.  Did you get a load of THAT?”  And everyone nods, and rolls eyes, or chuckles.  And I sit there, usually asking… “Get a load of what?”

I just don’t notice what people wear, or haircuts, or even if they have cyclops eyes.
Nope.

So.  On to my story.  Finally. Often times… I will be out and about… and someone will come up and pat me on the back and say…. “Hey, how are them-there chickens?” and then they laugh and laugh.  I stand there thinking… “How does this person know I have chickens?” Or they will drive by and yell out the window… “Chased any good chickens lately?”

I know they are probably referring to this daily writing.  But dang. I don’t know who they are. And then I wonder.

I can only say that Karma is a heck of a thing.  I was asking for this a LONG time ago.  As it happens…. I still have that old City Girl Blood pumping in my veins.  So.  Way back… when the whole “Milk” campaign came out with their catchy new slogan, I would use it.

You see… I’d be driving along a country road, and see a field of cows.  No matter wind or rain, I would roll down my window and yell out at those cows… “HEY!  GOT MILK?”    And I would laugh and laugh.  Those cows would turn around, look my way.. .. and have these expressions on their faces…. like… “Do we know who the heck that woman is?”

Well.  NOW I know how they feel.  Every time a drive-by chicken remark comes my way.   And it comes full circle.

Like a monkey in a zoo, I am.
A monkey in a zoo.

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Knock on the sky and listen to the sound. ~Zen Saying
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Begin at the beginning… and go on till you come to the end: then stop. ~Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

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It’s always Now. ~Eckhart Tolle

I am a Geek. We have established that.  At least, for a woman my age, I know a fair amount concerning the world of technology.  Anyway, I am always trying new apps and devices and such.

Writing apps.  A lot of different writing apps.
One that I am using at this very minute is called DayOne.  It is a journaling software.  If you journal everyday, I recommend it.  I don’t journal.  BUT.  I write this thing daily, and I like the way it looks, types, and saves.  Anyway.  On to the point.

Every time you open it, it gives you a fresh new piece of paper, with the date nicely assigned at the top.  As a bonus, it gives you something to write about, if you need the help.  I never use these, but if someone is journaling, I can see the benefit.

Tonight, when I opened the app…. it asked:  “When and where did you take your first steps alone?”

Well.  Now if THAT isn’t a question begging for an answer?

So.  I’ll begin.

It was a dark and rainy night.  Pitch dark.  The wind was howling, and the old shutters on the house made thumping noises, as they fought the wind, making every attempt to stay connected to their house.

The rain pounded the panes of rippling glass on the windows.  Thunder rumbled in the distance.  It was unseasonably cool for early April.  In fact, it was just above freezing.

Inside a fire roared.  The family who lived inside that house, stayed close to the light of the fireplace.  They were popping corn over the hearth.  The room filled with the warm aroma.

As the kernels slowed to a halt, the Mother asked, “Did someone get the bowls?”  Ann & Sue got up at once to retrieve them.  One of the boys said, “Are we allowed to have a Coke?”  The Father nodded.  You can split one between each two of you.  Ed, Jerry, and Jane proceeded to the kitchen to prepare the drinks.  “We’re going to need salt,” Julie added.  “Why don’t you get it?” asked the Father.  And off she went.

As Julie passed through the doorway, there was a large crash in the kitchen.  And then another.  Both the Mother and the Father leapt from their chairs to investigate.  And… there I sat.  All alone.  On the floor.  In front of the open fireplace.

Now, most people do not remember their 11 month of life.  I see it clear as crystal.  I placed one hand on the cushion of my Father’s chair, and hoisted my wobbly legs into standing position.

Slowly.  Ever so slowly.  I lifted my hand from that recliner…. one little finger at a time.  I raised both hands above my head, as it just felt like the right thing to do… in preparation for the daring endeavor I was about to attempt.  And then.  THEN.  My right foot extended.  Followed by my left.  My right. My left.  And there I was…. taking my first steps alone.

As the other’s clamored back into the room, I dropped my diaper butt right down on the floor, and sat wide-eyed.  They were oblivious to the magic that had recently transpired.  I sat momentarily, and then I couldn’t help it.  A smile crossed my face… filled with an air of smug accomplishment.  I was 11 months old… and I rocked.

Those…. were my first steps alone.

And that my friends, is the story of how EVERY journey begins.  With the taking of one, single, little, step.

(Now, if you tune in tomorrow night, I will tell you about the first time I got the whole potty-training deal down-pat.   It will keep you on the edge of your seat.)

The party never ends here.  I just never ends.

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The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  —  Lao Tzu
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The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.  —  Nathaniel Branden
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Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.  —  Matsuo Basho

I have never twerked.

I don’t plan on it either.  Ever.

In fact, I am pretty sure my knees hurt too much, most of the time, to do any such thing.

These might be signs I am getting older.

When it comes down to it, I don’t know most of the celebrities on TV any more.  We will be watching an interview of some young, beautiful person.  I will ask Mary, “Who is that?”  She normally responds, “I have no idea.”  To which I say…”What show are they on?”  And she…”I have no idea.”  There was a time when I knew who all of them were.

If it isn’t Scott Pelley on the evening news, or Alex Trebek on Jeopardy, we are pretty much clueless.

I say things now, like… “When I was growing up….”  or “When we were kids…”

Oh.  Back in the day.  Those good old days.  That’s my grandpa used to say.  And now, will you have a look at me?  Holy Crap.

Most of my friends are older than I am.  The other day, one of them told me they recently “Got Lucky”…. and as it turns out… they had just been able to find their car in a parking lot.

One good thing about having older friends… is telling them secrets. Most of them can’t remember what you’ve said anyway.

The wild and crazy days are over, I’m afraid.  I’m not sad about it.  On the contrary, I’m slightly relieved.

You see, I used to be a party animal.  But these days… I consider pulling an “All-Nighter” to be…. not getting up…. even once…. during the night to go pee.  I haven’t had an all-nighter in a long dang time.

Yet… There are some uptakes about getting old.  Like.  In a hostage situation, I’ll be one of the first ones released.

I like getting older, truth be told.  It beats the alternative.  But besides that, it seems like I have learned more in the past 10 years, than I’ve learned in all the years before that.  Maybe I am paying more attention.

One thing for certain about me know, in my current age… I slow down.  Sometimes, I  even stay very, very, still.  And I listen.   And look.  Sometimes, I hear, and see, and I am astounded by the clarity which life has afforded me at that moment.  I feel like a worthy part of the Universe.

Other times, it all seems muddled.  And I can’t see the forest for the trees.  Or the plain nose on my face.  In these cases… I am pretty sure I’ve just misplaced my glasses, only to find them 15 minutes later… on the top of my head.

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You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.  —  George Burns
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 Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.  —  Groucho Marx

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I like to take a walk.  I do it frequently.  It tends to clear the mind and lighten the soul.

Apparently, a lot of others like to walk too.  There have been a kajillion songs about it, at least.

I walk the line. (Johnny Cash)
These boots work made for walking. (Nancy Sinatra)
Walk like an Egyptian. (Bangles)
Walking on Sunshine. (Rockers Revenge)
Walk on the Wild Side. (Lou Reed)

Oh… there are a whole-big-bunch more, I’ll tell you.

But back to the actual walk.
It simply feels good, sometimes.  To go off  and find a place of solitude.  To hear nothing but your footsteps.  Or to walk so softly that you don’t even hear them.

To breathe in deep and take in the world.  The world we get to visit for a time.  We are fortunate to walk on its surface.

This type of relaxing walk doesn’t necessarily work if you are in the middle of New York City, and you are stepping over people and dodging  treacherous taxi cab drivers.  The sound of traffic, and horns, and blaring music.  The heat seeping upward from the pavement.  The smell of exhaust and fumes and smog.

Nope.  That kind of walk wouldn’t work… UNLESS… your walk’s intention was to get the best slice of pizza ever.  THEN… it would be beneficial.

But.  If it is low down and easy you are in search of … a walk in the quiet solitude of earth’s gentle hold fits just right.   Every time.

Putting one foot in front of the other.  Beginning.  And before you know it, you are on your journey.  To nowhere.  To everywhere.

He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.  —  Friedrich Nietzsche

The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.  —  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.  —  John Muir

Fear.

I wish I had less of it.    Way less.   But alas, I have it.  In bucket loads, sometimes.

That whole campaign on “No Fear” sort of cracks me up.

You see.  We are humans.  Like it or not, fear is a part of being human.  It is a vital response  we have…. to physical and / or emotional danger.  If we didn’t feel fear at all, we would not be able to protect ourselves from valid dangers and threats.   So the whole “No Fear” thing is a bit absurd, really.  But people feel a whole level of cool when they have the stickers on their cars and such.  And it is okay to feel cool.

But let’s go back.  When I was a kid, I feared things like Vincent Price movies and roller coasters.  Heights.  The Wicked Witch of the West.  Pitch Black.  Spiders and snakes.  And. Certain people I knew.

Today… none of those things scare me at all…. ….  except the latter.  In fact, I seem to be slightly more daring than I ever have before.  There was a time when I wouldn’t have zip-lined, or taken a helicopter tour of volcanoes, or even swam into waters to see any kind of shark.  But I’ve done all of those things recently.

Yet. A whole bunch of other things put fear in me these days.

Mostly, the “Not Knowing.”  Although, that’s part of being human too.  We don’t know.  We can’t know.   The very next minute might bring anything.  Anything at all.

The top ten fears in the United States…. according to a recent gallop poll…. (in order):  terrorist attacks, spiders, death, being a failure, war, criminal or gang violence, being alone, the future unknown, and nuclear war.  Some more top “fear of” things, are….. flying, heights, surgery, clowns, intimacy, death, rejection, people, snakes, failure, and driving.

I would lump most of those above fears into one category.  The future unknown.

At any rate, I know we can’t know, but I wish I could know.  Or maybe I don’t want to know.  Who knows.

Say that three times fast.

Of course… there are the little things which sort of scare me.
• Donald Trump and his hair.
• If marijuana becomes legal… what will happen to all the dogs trained to sniff it out at airports, and schools and such?  I hope they will be able to find jobs elsewhere.
• I have never met anyone who has slipped on a banana peel.  I just know it is simply a matter of time until it happens to some clown out there.
• I might be an evil twin, and I just don’t know it.  We could have been separated at birth, and my good twin is out there somewhere.
• What happened to all the Cabbage-Patch-Parents?  It must have been bad.
• When cows get really old, do they automatically give spoiled milk?

Enough about my worries.
I’m actually happy a good deal of the time.  There is a lot to be happy about in this life of ours.  We have what we have right now, and that is enough.  I’m grateful and glad for that.  And.  I am especially happy that I’ve never slipped on a banana peel.  Even if I am an Evil Twin.

A cat bitten once by a snake dreads even rope.  ~Arab Proverb

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There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.  ~Andre Gide

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Fear is the highest fence. ~Dudley Nichols

Sometimes, I wonder.

About a lot.

• For one…. what in the world do rats smell like?  I only ask… because I heard someone say… “I think I smell a rat.”

Now I have never had the opportunity to get my nose up nice and close to a rat, and have a good whiff.  Hence, I do not know what they smell like.  So when someone exclaims that they think they smell one… well… it makes me wonder about the company I am keeping.

• Next.  Are crannies happy?  They don’t really seem to be okay on their own.  They always have to hang out with the nook.  In fact, nooks don’t much occur by themselves either.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard any one say… “Well.  Will you take a good look at THAT cranny?”   OR.  “Hey.  Have you seen any good nooks lately?”

Nope.  It is always a nook and cranny that whittle their way into English Muffin sentences.

• Alright.  How about this one.  Who is the dog food taster?  I often wonder this when I see the claim that a certain Dog Food has “New and Improved Taste.”  Or worse yet… Cat Food.

I think I would rather be a potato chip or pretzel taster.

• What about this.  Is the Boogie Man a really good dancer?  Seems like he ought to be.

• Whatever happened to Bozo and Howdy Doody?  Why did they fall to the wayside.  I mean, sure.  The one guy was a real clown and the other one was a big dummy…. but just WHERE is the love?

• Speaking of the changing ways of the world.  I wonder when Bert and Ernie are going to get married.  AND… I wonder if any of the Teletubbies will really… finally…. come out?

• Not that we were talking about fruits… but my thoughts just happened to segue this way.  It is said that tomatoes are a fruit.  And yes.  They really are.  But here is the thing… does that make Ketchup the first Fruit Smoothie ever?

• I think Animal Crackers are kind of cool… all shaped like little animals in such… and they come in a Circus Box.  I wonder why Chicken Nuggets aren’t shaped like little chickens, and come in a Coop Box?

•  Things I don’t wonder.  I just know.  They will never find Jimmy Hoffa.  Hillary Clinton will never be a U.S. President.  The Big Mac will make a comeback.  And. Faerie dust is real.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.  —  Joseph Campbell
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To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.  —   Tony Dorsett

Are you ever sitting quietly, having your morning cup of coffee… and think… “Hecky dern.  I wonder where ol’ Stinky Pendleton is these days?”  Or maybe… “Hmmm.  I wonder how my cousin Elwood is doing?”

Here’s the thing of it.   We lose touch with people.  Our lives shift and change.  I see it a lot with work situations.  You might be on the same job with someone for 15 years.  You are the very best of friends… working side by side… every day of the week.   And then one of you quits or moves away.  Oh…. you VOW, to stay in touch. You DO.   You poke your thumbs and seal it in blood while your standing in front of the vending machines in the break room.

But then it happens.  They just sort of fade away.  All that time just drifts away.

We don’t mean to, or do it on purpose.  We just get pulled into another part of our lives.

Sure….  there are certain people we keep connections with… for years, and years.  In fact, I have one friend that I’ve know since I was about 8 years old.

I’m not sure why it happens one way this and one way that… but it does.

I can only say that I am very glad and grateful for all the good people in my life right now.  I am blessed with loved ones, in the shape of family and friends.

I am also thankful for every person in my past.  The significant and the passing.  Each person I have met, has in some way, affected my path.  My life journey.  It may have been a little blip, or a huge kapow.

I just learned that my cousin Judy passed last night, making her the 3rd one of my cousins to pass.  She was born in 1947…. the same year as my oldest sibling.  We were never extremely close, because of our disparity in age.  But I am sad for her, and her kids… and all those people who were significant in Judy’s life.   I know she will be missed.

My point, I guess… is that no matter where we find ourselves in life, there are people who mean a great deal to us.  We should let them know how much we love them…. not only in words… but in actions.

Nothing is permanent or guaranteed.  But we can take this moment and be a part of life.  While we have it…. life … precious life.

 Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.  —  Marcus Aurelius
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Forever is composed of nows.  —  Emily Dickinson
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 Buy the ticket, take the ride.  —  Hunter S. Thompson

Some days can be tricky.  Other days… not so tricky.  It seems to be arbitrary.  But is it?

Here is the thing. We had dinner this evening with some old friends. Good old friends.  Not only are they wonderful, kind people…. yes… they really are old. (Joking.)

We had a great night, and as always… truly nice to spend time with the ones you love in life.

At any rate, one subject which came up tonight was “a rogue squirrel on the bird feeder” at their home in Cincy.  The topic spun a hundred different ways… but I suggested “embracing the squirrel.”  That got a good laugh.

But.

I was being serious.  You see, I continue to get the message of “acceptance” in my life.  Not fighting the river, but letting the water flow just as it does.  Acceptance is very key, I think, to our well being.

Accepting change.  Accepting diversity.  Accepting differences.  Accepting a lot of things.

One of my favorite prayers is the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Ahhhhhh….. the wisdom know the difference.

But.  The truth of the matter is…. life is unpredictable.  It changes all the time.  We don’t control the universe… in fact… we can’t even control everything within our own circle of life.  We can influence, or try to influence things all we want.  But there are things which are completely out of our control.

We can’t control others.  People may not “be” the way we want them to be.  Sometimes, we simply have to accept this.  Or let go.

Life is imperfect.  We are imperfect.
There will be things we don’t know how to handle, or don’t want to.  But in the moment, if we can accept where we are, and know this is where we are supposed to be by the way of the Universal Clockworks….

Acceptance does not mean that we completely agree with what is happening.  Some situations need to be changed.  But.… Acceptance means that we are able to look right at the present…. and say in that single moment that…. this moment is right now in front of me.. and I acknowledge… it is here… neither good nor bad.

This is where the ultimate understanding is.
At least, in this moment, that seems to be what I think about this life.  It is best for us to try to accept our moments.  And live.
And for crying out loud… let the little squirrel live.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao-Tzu

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” ~Arthur Rubinstein

Well.  There used to be a song about it.   Free to be, you an me.  Marlo Thomas was the one who did the album project about this back in the 1970s.

Cat Stevens sang about it too.  “If you want to sing out, sing out.  And if you want to be free, be free.”

Here is my problem.  Can I remember who I was before the world told me who I should be?   Can you?

If only.

I think that is where we find a big part of our happiness.   When finally find out what we always already knew.  Who we really are deep down inside.  Who we truly want to be.  The trouble is… digging down to that old familiar spot… where the answer lies.

And. Back to my stumbler.  I don’t necessarily compare myself to anyone else, but I sure do care what people think of me.  Or… more to the point… what I THINK they might be THINKING of me.   I know I should stop worrying about  other people’s opinions.  Gosh dern it anyhow.

But I sure do give it a lot of weight…. even though intellectually, I know better.

It has been said that we can be whoever we want to be.  But sometimes, it seems like life circumstances get in the way of that.  I can only say, that I think it is important that we try to travel to that place. That space.  That time.

Shakespeare started this movement a long time ago.  To thine own self be true.  In today’s plain English…. Be true to yourself.  We are the only people in charge of our lives.  My life, is mine to live.  As is yours.  The only question is…… What do we want to do with the rest of it?

The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have.  —  Vince Lombardi
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The things that we love tell us what we are. —  Thomas Aquinas
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 Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.  —  Carl Sagan

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