Well…. it is high time we talked about them here.

We’ve talked about everything thing else.  But let’s face it.  This has been that big old ugly white elephant in the room.

I get letters about them all the time.

People have stopped me in the street and asked when I am finally going to get around to “The Topic”

So, we’ve danced around this one long enough.

No.  I am not much of a farter.  I know an awful lot of farters.  And when I say awful…. I mean awful.

But me…. not so much.  I am not sure why.  I tend to burp… if anything.

However, I know you all are out there.  You are my friends and family.  So tonight, I give you gas.

Now…. all farts aren’t considered flatulence.  I guess flatulence equates to an over-abundance of gas.  On the average a fart is composed of mostly nitogen…  about 59%,  and the 21% hydrogen.  Only 7% is methane.   AND…..less than 1% is what makes them stink…. which contains a little hydrogen sulfide.

They say the average Joe produces about a half liter of farts a day.    I am not sure how this is measured, or by whom.  But half a liter seems a little on the light side for some of the folks I know.

I also recently found out that termites are the biggest producers of farts.  Again…. how this determination was made… I will never begin to know.

Farts are flammable.  And contrary to popular belief… women fart as much as men.  And that works out to be about 14 farts per day.

And here is a fast fact for you…..Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second.

I am flabergasted at the information I was able to find on this subject… it goes on and on.  Apparently, the readers here aren’t the only ones interested in this.  But here is what really amazes me.  A lot of this information had to be “gathered”… either in a lab setting… or at a bean eating contest… I am not sure which.

But… if you were the guy with this job… what the heck would you say at Cocktail Parties?

“So Kevin.  What do you do for a living?”
“Well… as it turns out… I am a Fart Speed Analyst.”
“Oh Kev.  That is…. uhhhhmmmmm…. very interesting.  Do you like what you do?”
“Most days it is okay.  You know, it’s the job.  But some days, I’ll tell you…. it really stinks.”

And there you have it.

Hopefully, not too many people will get wind of this post….