If I had an Uncle Mertle (which I don’t)…. well….. let’s see….. he would be my Mom’s oldest brother… which he isn’t…. because my Mom is an only child.  Any way, if Uncle Merty were around, he’d probably be one of those relatives that always says things, like:  “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”    Good advice Uncle Mert.

So, welcome to Charleston.  I think this town is one of the most amazing places I know of.  I love this city.  It has a charm about it, that slaps you in the face…. in a good way.  Stings like Aqua Velva.  There is so much to do, and see, and eat.  What a city.  Storybook good.

But as Uncle Mertle warned….  we have a few glitches.  There’s the Pluff Mud.  Which, at low tide, can make the whole city smell like….  well….. like something died in a vat of sewage.  We also have Swamp Rats….. Swarming Fermosan Termites. (Both, as horrendous as they sound.)  You won’t read this stuff in the tourism brochures, no sireeeee.  There are lots of ghosts (which is a plus or a minus, depending on your opinion of ghosts);  and finally we have a couple of other insects.

Okay.  We have world-class insects.  The two that really stand out are the “No-See-Ums” which look just like the name sounds.  None-the-less, they will bite the living daylights out of you… worse than any Yankee Mosquito.  The other shining star is the Palmetto Bug.  (The Palmetto Tree is our State Tree.. quite lovely.)  Not so much with the bug.  Think…….  Poodle-Sized Cockroach with Wings, and hence, the ability to fly.  Nice.

Today I shopped for bug spray.  The cans all make the same “grand” marketing claim:  “KILLS ON CONTACT.”  To which I say, “Big Whacky-Doodle Deal.  Hell, I CAN kill them on contact.  Catching them is half the holy-crapping battle.”   I need something that works like a Navy Seal, or a Sniper.    Maybe I can hire that wee tiny actor who played the little teeny cowboy, in Night at the Museum.  Yeah, that might do it.

At any rate, Uncle Mertle was one wise old dude.  Taught me everything I know, and then some…..totally great guy.  Almost too good to be true.  And that bugs me.