There are a ton of phrases in the English Language, mostly American English… that really irk me.

Irk is a word that irks me, first and foremost.  I much prefer irritate… or even… bug.  But never mind all of that.

First phrase.

“Well.  We can’t all be perfect.”

Yep.  You got that right genius.  In fact.  None of us can be perfect.  That is what makes us so dang human.

Second.

“That is the worst thing.”

For example.  Yuk.  I just took a big whiff of that carton of milk and it was sour.  Geez-O-Pete … that is the worst thing.

Wrong-O, again Mr. Smarty-Pants.  There are a lot of things that are much “worse” than the smell of sour milk.  I’ll tell you that right now.

Another….

“Oh.  I’m just killing time.”

This is perhaps the goofiest one yet.  Even if you COULD kill time, why would you want to?  Without time… well… you are out of time.  And we all knows what that means.

There are a bazillion more.  But I won’t bore you tonight.

The one that irks me the most…

“It is what it is.”

And to that, I say….

Are you sure?

There’s a world of difference between truth and facts. Facts can obscure the truth. – Maya Angelou

The bottom line is this.

I… am a TootleHead.  Not just any ordinary TootleHead.  No.  I am a big, fat, hairy Polly-Waddle-Doodle-All-The-Day-TootleHead.

The past 24 hours or so …  the air has been whistling right through my ears.  I tootled like a dang flute.

Proof?  You need proof, you say?

Okay.

Tonight, I got in to the shower and realized I still had my socks on.  That’s a TootleHead thing to do.

At breakfast this morning, I dropped an entire bowl of grits on the kitchen floor.  Not so good for me.  Good for the dogs.

I drove several miles on I-70 today.  Unfortunately, I was headed in the wrong direction.  Tootle.

This afternoon, I really felt like having a Grilled Chicken Sandwich from McDonald’s.  So I stopped and picked one up.  Either it is still sitting on their counter… or that chicken sandwich is on the road somewhere between Eaton and Camden.  (And the wind goes whipping the down plains… Tootle).

And this might be the icing on the cake today.  I had to go to the big Wal-mart… for I needed many different things.. and wanted to pick them up as quickly as possible.  $174 odd dollars worth of things.  Next, I decided my car was dirty from all that highway-driving… albeit in the wrong direction.  So, I needed a quick stop at the car wash.

Wellllll… it helps if you close your trunk…. after you’ve just stopped at the Wal-mart… and placed $174  worth of merchandise in said trunk.

TootleHead.  I only realized it was open… when….  in the final phase of the wash… during the big blowing dryers… that I heard the trunk slam shut.

Soggy trunk.  Soggy merchandise.  But very, very,  clean.

So  tonight, I am sitting very still, and hoping that… somehow… I can make it to bed time without stepping on a dog, knocking over a glass, or breaking the computer.  There is a wall I will probably walk into….  head first.

But sometimes… it simply goes that way.  And tomorrow is another day.

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” – John Powell

Little Faubus McPherson the Mouse had a lot to look forward to.  He had just planned the vacation of a mouse lifetime.

First, he would visit Greece.  This, the country with the highest cheese consumption in the world per capita.  Having never tried Feta….. Faubus KNEW THIS would be big.

Next to Egypt.  Remains of cheese has been found in Egyptian tombs over 4000 years old.  And THIS…. he had to see.

Finally… off to the Viederhaasen Farm in Sweden.  They make Moose Cheese there.

Twenty minutes before he was scheduled to drive to the airport.. McPherson got a call from his doctor.  Apparently, little Faubus was Lactose Intolerant.

Oh Fiddle-Dee-Cheese-Sticks…. … was not the best news.  Be that what it may,  Faubus was determined.  So he stopped by the pharmacy for a healthy supply of Lactaid.   And… and……  off …. he flew.

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.” – Beverly Sills

Some days… you just wake up… and you had better figure on ducking.

Ducking and Dodging.  Sometimes, that is best.

If someone hollers… “DUCK!”  You better do it.  Don’t look around to see if Donald or Daffy are in the near vicinity.  Nope.  Just duck.

On other days, it is good to put up the strong front.  If you need to… stand and be strong.  Secure.  Boundaries, and all.  Hold your ground, like a bull.  But other times…. it is good to be like a duck.

Water rolls right off their backs.  That is a pretty neat quality.  And… they frequently quack up.

Now, me.  I can be like a lot like a sponge.  I let it all soak right in…. to the core of me.    A spongy bull.  There is nothing… I’ll tell you…. NOTHING… very pretty about spongy bulls.  Yet, there I am…

No.  From here on out, I will try to be more like a duck.  Polly Wants A Quacker.

And one last thing.  A side bar.

If I have to be a duck… I want to look like this one.  A duck with a great HairDO.  A Phyllis Diller Duck.  Yep.  There is a lot to be said for being a bit on the goofy side.  I bet I would have my duck-hair done at the Duck Hair Salon.. and then when I would waddle out… I’d say… “Just put it on my bill.”

 
“Happy As A Duck In Water.” – Ancient Proverb

If my family had been born in a different place, in a different time, I think we would have been one of two things.

A family of Russian Czars.  OR… farmers.

I tend to lean more toward the former than the latter.  However, I think we would have made a good family of farmers.

There are a bunch of us.  Some are pretty good growers.  The ones of us who aren’t so green-thumbish… well… we are good hole-diggers, and plowers.

I have one brother in particular who would have made our farm pretty neat.  We would have beautiful rows of vegetables.  But the rows would have some sort of swirl or embellishment.

Birds would probably fly from hundreds of miles away, just to see the aerial view.

He would be a master canner, and pickle-maker.

He would make great pies from the apples in our orchard.

He would hand sew our little farming uniforms.

Like the Von Trapps… only better.  We would sing like them… but we wouldn’t be in Nazi Germany.

We would do all our chores, and play until dark.  We’d do it with all our hearts… I bet.

As it is… now… we are merely a family of …. regular people.  But we sure do know our corn.

“The most striking difference between little ones and grownups is that little ones cannot worry, and they cannot worry because they have no past and no future. They live only in the present moment. Just watch children. If they play, they play and don’t even hear us call them and don’t notice anything that is going on around them. If they eat, they eat; if they sleep, they sleep. There is a beautiful English word which describes how they do whatever they do, they do it ‘whole-heartedly’, whereas grownups always are half-hearted.” – Maria Von Trapp

Psssst.  Hey you.  Little bug over there.

Yeah?  What can I do you for Mr. Butterfly?

Say.  Are you the little fella that everyone is talking about?  The one who was flying around the cow barn?

Yep.  That’s Me.

Rumor has it …. you flew in there while Farmer Brown was milking Bessie.

Yep.  That’s what I did.

They are saying that you flew into Bessie’s ear… and then a minute later… you squirted out into the milk bucket. =

Yep.  It seems I flew in one ear… and out the udder.

Whoa.

“Forget about likes and dislikes. They are of no consequence. Just do what must be done. This may not be happiness but it is greatness.” – George Bernard Shaw

“We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Oh.  It seems I spend a good deal of time on personal introspection. Rarely… am I plunked on the shoulder with a grand revelation.

At times, something will strike me as being hugely profound.  And just when I think I am starting to figure things out…  well frankly… the universe has a way of telling me I really don’t know a gall-darn thing.

And so it goes.

I guess my spiritual nourishment comes to me in handy little bite sized pieces…. like M & Ms.  Or Milk Duds.  Or Deep-Fried Wall-Eye Nuggets.

I truly like those little pleasures…  in the small and quiet moments.  The kindness of others… a beautiful painting… a majestic sunrise.  Grinning Goats.

There in….  lies the wonder.

I am especially grateful for those times. The little flashes of insight.    Little Pieces.

“Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.”  – Thich Nhat Hanh

Tonight, I write with a sad, and heavy heart.

You see… I have some terrible news.

My BFF died.  My Best Fish Friend.

I came home from a long day of appointments, and errands.  And there he was.

DOA.  That is Dead On Arrival… Old School Abbreviation.  (OSA’s… I like to call them.)

Yes.  It appears that I was in the midst of a SNAFU.  (Systems Normal, All-Fouled Up. ….. …  another OSA reference.)

OMG.  He was FUBAR.  All glassy-eyed and on is side.    And I…. I was BM.  (Beside Myself).

Someone told me this was TBE (To Be Expected) of CFGF (County Fair Gold Fish).  But I am SOL.  (Sh*t Out of Luck).

What will I do with all this LOFF?  (Left Over Fish Food).

I know one thing.  I will be heading to Craig’s List tonight:

FOR SALE.  CHEAP.  One slightly used Goldfish Bowl.  Two River Rocks.  Make an Offer.  Email: sadandloney@darkwaters.com

Yes.  A sad day.  But I have wept quite enough.  My little BFF would want me to Keep Swimming.  So….  I did a bunch of laps tonight in the pool, in honor of the Gold Man.

RIP Simon.

Simon the Awesome
2012 – 2012

Maybe next time… I’ll get a bird.

“In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing.”  ~Robert Ingersoll

Did you say we?  WE?  Who-We?  You and the Mouse In Your Pocket?

Blame it on the Mouse.  Always.  Blame it on the Mouse.

“Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it’s addressed to someone else.” – Ivern Ball

This is Simon.

Simon says read this.  Simon says hello.

Touch your nose. ( Argghhhhhh.  YOU touched your nose.  You are out of the game….  Simon didn’t say to touch your nose. )

Sorry, I couldn’t resist a good game of Simon Says.

Okay.  Back to it.  Seriously.

This is Simon.  I won him at the Darke County Fair.  I know.  I already told you.  But he has lived here now… successfully… for nearly a week.  Six nights.  Seven days.

And what a fish he is.  I have come to love Simon…. I’ll tell you.

He is no ordinary Goldfish.  Goldfish are small members of the carp family.  He is no carp.  No way.  He is more like a Golden Fish of all Fish.

People think I am mean to him at times.  I’ll say to him… “Why Simon!  You Cold-Blooded, Scaly, Son of a Mudsucker YOU!”   But the fact of the matter is… Simon IS all those things.

Now…… “Memory of a goldfish” is a phrase often used jokingly to define short memory span.   You know.   People say… “Well he has the memory of a Goldfish.”

On the contrary,  those little goldfish have a rather good memory.  In fact… it can span of 3-4 months and sometimes even more.  This fact is proven by many scientists, in cute little white lab coats,  around the world.

I would like to be in the labs where they prove this.  I cannot imagine.  (Do they ask the goldfish things like…)
Scientist: What did you have for breakfast a week ago Sunday?
Goldfish Answer:  Fish flakes.
Scientist:  Okay then… what did you have for lunch… one month ago today?
Goldfish Answer:  Fish flakes.
Scientist:  One more… you smarty fish.  Where were you 8 weeks ago last Thursday….at noon?
Fish Answer:  In this bowl.  Swimming.
Scientist:  Well you can starch my Lab Coat!!!  That fish has a good memory.

I also read that Goldfish should never be kept in small bowls. They need a spacious environment with high oxygen levels.  Oh Oh.  Guess where Simon is?  In a pretty darn small bowl.  I sort of wondered why he was wearing a little oxygen mask.

Holy Smackerels.  Here is one more thing.  I am panicking just a little bit tonight.  I found out that….  a  goldfish CAN live as long as 40 years.  But they say that 10 to 20 years is not uncommon, if the fish has good living conditions… and is allowed to watch Flipper Reruns on TV Land.

At any rate… I like that fish.  But… no more TV.

And if he dies… well… all is not lost.  We love Sushi around here.

“Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish” – Mark Twain

“Opportunities, many times, are so small that we glimpse them not and yet they are often the seeds of great enterprises. Opportunities are also everywhere and so you must always let your hook be hanging. When you least expect it, a great fish will swim by.” – Og Mandino

“Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing it is not fish they are after.” – Henry David Thoreau